Jan E. Beran, Attorney at Law

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Some Jokes
For some reason I don't think most lawyer jokes are funny (some are but most are just sick). I used to tell lots of polak jokes, being the good Bohemian I am, and I occasionally still tell blonde jokes but only in the company of bleach blondes. I've toned down my slams on their intelligence, and anything that is, in my opinion, "not funny" I try not to repeat. By the way, there is an explanation why polish peoples have been ridiculed, though I can't believe that as a group the polish people would really fall for such a trick. It certainly wouldn't apply to my polish friends and particularly relatives (including my ex-wife and ex-father in law) who are much too cunning. Please read the following before proceeding: About Lawyer Jokes.

The Dog Named "Lawyer"
Three Nebraska lawyers wanted to go pheasant hunting on opening day. In order to improve their bag, they decided to find a hunting dog which could perform all of the duties normally assigned to good hunting dogs, including but not limited to pointing, setting, retrieving, and tracking. They found a kennel which rented hunting dogs and tendered good and valuable consideration to hire a dog appropriately named "Lawyer". Naturally all of the documentation was carefully scrutinized, and every i was dotted and every t crossed.
Opening day came and Lawyer pointed, retrieved, even fetched beer for the happy attorneys. The hunters soon had plenty of game in their bag and upon reaching the hunters' collective limit, Lawyer immediately quit making sure the hunters didn't exceed their limits. The lawyers objected, argued, even threatened to sue all responsible and irresponsible parties, but Lawyer wouldn't budge and soon they headed for home.
When the lawyers returned Lawyer to the kennel, they were ecstatic praising the quality of the dog and requested a reservation for closing. They filled out the appropriate forms, signed them in duplicate original, paid the retainer and filed the forms with the appropriate clerk.
When closing day arrived they went to pick up Lawyer at the kennel but were informed that they would have to accept a substitute. They were told that Lawyer had to be retrained because "Some men took Lawyer out hunting, but all day called the dog 'Judge', since that day all poor Lawyer does is sit around and bark orders."

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Estate Planning
Recently, I was interviewing a husband and wife who needed to revise their wills (they've decided that they no longer needed guardians for their children who are now in their late 20s and early 30s). We were discussing their dispositive wishes, when the husband asks to be excused to visit the restroom.
After he left, his wife, began asking questions about disposing of certain personal property items, things like jewelry, her family's heirlooms, etc. Her particular concern that should her husband remarry, she wanted to make sure their daughters got the property, not the new wife. Somewhat sidestepping the issue, but answering her question, I told her I would draft a form to list those type of items for easy disposition. Then she wanted to know how to deal with the family home.
About then the husband returned, I felt a need to inform him that while he was out, we were discussing some property issues and as I was doing so, he interrupted asking his wife, "what property are you concerned about?"
She responded asking "if you got married again, what would you do with the house?", after he replied to her satisfaction (and my indicating the fee to do something more, would be costly), she asked, "what about my clothing", he replied, that "he didn't think their daughters would want them, so he really didn't know what he would do with them."
That seemed to answer her concerns so we moved on, but she interrupted asking "what about my golf clubs", he sternly looks at her and replies, "don't worry about them, she's left handed."
After a good chuckle and assurances that he was joking, his wife and I learned that he had heard this joke months prior, and never dreamed that he would get to use it in real life, he apologized saying that "there was no one else in his life after 40 wonderful years of marriage."

You Need A New Lawyer When...
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
My "True Golf" stories
I was golfing with my Pastor, Robin (a used car dealer, client and friend), and Robin's Pastor.
Robin, trying to recruit me to attend their church, asked "So Jan, what's it going to take to get you to play guitar in our church?"
Overhearing the inquiry, his pastor states, "This month, for all new members, we're offering the six percent (6%) tithe"
My pastor, quickly interrupted saying that; "he's not going anywhere, we gave him a deal a lawyer can't refuse, we're only enforcing seven of the ten commandments, and he gets to choose which three he gets to break."

Pastor: Why don't you play golf with Robin any more?
Jan: Would you play with someone who whines and complains after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Pastor: No!
Jan: Neither will Robin.
(I may have embilished this one a bit, but part of it is true, you'll find out when we golf.)
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